It’s time for a new start!
I’ve written before about new year’s resolutions, but they come round every year (and different times a year depending on who you are…) There is something about a new beginning that makes all of us want to make promises of change for ourselves. And yet the research indicates that new year’s resolutions don’t tend to stick around for very long. Usually by February we are back to our old habits. What is up with that? First off, changing habits is hard. An Amazon search reveals there are over 50,000 self-help books about or related to habits! But if it was simple, we all would do it. Habits are shortcuts for our brains, ways of taking the sting out of thinking. But because they are shortcuts they are difficult to get around or change.
Why is change so hard to do?
I think development in general is a long slow process and change is a sort of development. In order to change we have to develop new awareness, and need new habits to facilitate that awareness. There is a myth in our culture about “being in therapy for years” being a mark of being somehow damaged. However it can take anyone years to develop awareness and a suite of new healthy habits. There is some research out there that says it takes 21 days, or 7 weeks or 10 weeks to develop a new habit, but which is it? According to this article 10 weeks is the average it takes to automate a new habit. This is for ONE new or replacement habit, and typically this is a small change.
Building a habit must be additive, something that we do rather than something we stop, or don’t do. We developed our bad habits for good reasons, they solve some kind of problem. Often they are helping distract us from some unpleasant feelings. But sometimes the habit is worse for us than what it is trying to protect us from.
Dismantling a habit is complex. Therapy can help
Dismantling a habit involves understanding the purpose of the habit and being able to notice when the habit is happening. Understanding the purpose of the habit allows us to consciously build healthier replacement habits that meet that same purpose. Noticing when the habit is happening, because it is automatic, helps us be able to implement newer deliberate habits at those times.
Understanding the purpose of the habit
This is where therapy can be quite helpful. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is one good way to uncover where these habits come from. It can seem kind of silly but the idea behind IFS is that we all have parts (we are naturally born with them) and they can take on roles to help protect us from or manage those uncomfortable feelings. Some parts use dramatic actions, or habits, such as drinking, to distract us from the feelings. And other parts use carefully constructed routines, or habits, like being over prepared, to prevent us from getting anywhere near the point where we might feel those feelings. Also, If we can learn how to navigate and tolerate unpleasant feelings, then we have less need for the bad habits.
Noticing the habit
The second part of dismantling a bad habit is being able to notice when you are doing it and substitute a new healthier habit. This requires practicing mindfulness around the bad habit. Habits work really well because they are automatic. They use less brain power because they bypass needing to think about what we are doing. Sometimes when I’m doing something difficult—(like writing) I might “wake up” with my head in the refrigerator looking for something to eat to distract myself from feeling incompetent. I have to notice that I’m not really hungry, but I’m engaged in a distraction habit and then chose to do something like have a drink of water or take a short walk instead.
When is the best time for new beginnings?
While anytime is a good time to start a healthy habit, most of us like to line up change with some sort of marker. January 1st is an especially prominent one. Next month, next week, and birthdays are also markers that people tend to like to use for creating change.
The year starts “over” many different times in the typical calendar year. (which was created by Gregorian monks and hasn’t always been the way the passage of time was marked.) Most likely the Gregorian monks were following a much older tradition. When the Christians from the Roman empire entered another territory, they found that lining up their holy days with holy days that were already in place got a lot more participation. The "modern" Gregorian calendar is based on the movements of the sun.
There are also lunar calendars which is how the Lunar New Year, celebrated by many Asian cultures, is determined. It jumps around in our solar calendar, (but then so does Easter.) I lived near an Asian market for several years and in late January or early February it would fill with tasty goodies, red decorations, and red envelopes for prosperity.
The ancient Mesopotamians set their new year at the end of their spring festival, which usually happened some time in March. That calendar was aligned with the new growth of the growing season.
Some Celtic traditions start the new year in the fall when the growing season is going dormant. So, we have ample opportunities to create markers for change. (If you would like to see more examples of when the calendar tips over: https://www.history.com/news/5-ancient-new-years-celebrations)
Having lots of choices helps people who are neurodivergent be able to line up change times with times that work well for their brains, rather than having to just “follow the herd,” and make New Year’s Resolutions on January 1st. And having choice helps anyone with creating a new habit. A habit is much more likely to stick if it is something we are invested in rather than some “should” that comes from outside of us.
How to make changes that stick
One of the ways to deal with the issue of resolutions is to set intentions rather than goals. And then create small changes around those intentions. One of the intentions I set last year was to blog once a month. I managed 5 blogs this year… I’m not sure exactly what happened. I did well at the beginning of the year and then I got distracted by life and other things. But I think part of what happened was I was using an external “should” in creating this intention. I tend to get caught up in the commercialism of trying to keep up my SEO (Search Engine Optimization) because I'm told I should. Which is ridiculous because they say you have to blog once a week to help your SEO. Which is not something I am capable of, if I can’t even blog once a month. So what if I just let the blogging happen when I feel like it? Then I get about 5 blogs a year. (Or 2 the year before) But I did meet the intention of blogging in these past two years!
But if you do want to make some deliberate changes this year, here is a formula that came from the article I mentioned above that says it takes about 10 weeks to automate a new habit.
Make a new healthy habit
My goal (e.g. ‘to eat more fruit and vegetables’) _________________________________________________ My plan (e.g. ‘after I have lunch at home I will have a piece of fruit’) (When and where) ___________________________ I will ___________________________ Some people find it helpful to keep a record while they are forming a new habit. This daily tick-sheet can be used until your new habit becomes automatic. You can rate how automatic it feels at the end of each week, to watch it getting easier. Taken from Gardner, B., Lally, P., Wardle, J., 2012: Making health habitual: the psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice |
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