I’m reading an old book in a new light. The old book is about Social Thinking. Socially Curious and Curiously Social by Michelle Garcia Winner and Pamela Crooke. As I’m reading it I’m holding it up against two recent books I have read: Unmasking Autism by Devon Price and Visual Thinking by Temple Grandin. I feel like all three of these books lie along different places of a spectrum (ha ha see what I did there? As all three are related to Autism Spectrum “Disorder” in some way.) Our understanding and approach to Autism and other neurodiversities has a bit of a sordid history. (for more on that see Steve Silberman's book Neurotribes) And right now, hopefully, we are in the midst of a sea change about how we respond to neurodiversity. And to diversity in general.
What is social thinking?
Social thinking is basically how we think about others and how we respond to how others respond or react to us. Some of it is hardwired into our brains as social creatures, and some of it has to be learned. It is the precursor to social skills, which is about how we behave in social situations. Social thinking and social skills give us the foundation to be flexible in a variety of situations in a cohesive way. The book quickly gets into thoughts that others have about us and if we do something expected they will have comfortable thoughts about us and if we do something unexpected others will have uncomfortable thoughts about us—which tend to lead to them wanting to avoid us. So far this all makes sense but where I find myself starting to bristle is the idea of “expected” and “unexpected” behavior.
Who decides what is expected?
This is where the larger diversity lens becomes important. Who gets to decide what is “expected?” Is what is expected always White Eurocentric norms? While Socially Curious and Curiously Social does address the need to be flexible and that expectations vary with situation and age the main goal seems to be figuring out how to fit in and do the “social fake.” In order to “fit in,” people with different brains often have to do a variety of social faking it processes: Calming jittery bodies, regulating overwhelming sensations, avoiding standing out. Besides taking a lot of energy to maintain, these behaviors often need other not so healthy behaviors to be done at all. These include drug and alcohol use, self-harm, people pleasing, checking out. This type of masking can also create anxiety and compulsions.
We need to create room for different brains.
I think it has to start going both ways. Learning social thinking and social skills is important for neurodivergent people. Autistics, gifted, 2e all need to learn how to read a social situation and adapt to it in an integrative way. But the reverse is also true, the social norms need to start adjusting to people who are different. Expected behaviors need to start including jumpier jittery bodies, accommodations for sensory overwhelm, and more tolerance for differences. This is why I prefer the word “integrate” rather than fit in. Fit in implies molding oneself to an already established standard. Integration means the parts adjust to each other to fit together better.
This is a slow process. Expectations are often formed quite young and operate at a subconscious level. Most neurotypical people learn the “rules” from mild corrections to minor mistakes that are made when they are very little. All the people in a group will have to unlearn certain things to achieve integration. For example, in her book Temple Grandin points out that one of the educational expectations has become learning algebra. Many visual thinkers are screened out of the education process early because they don’t think in the abstract ways that make certain types of math accessible for them. The expectation that they “fit in” and just learn to do the math cuts them off from rewarding life opportunities and cuts the rest of society off from their amazing gifts and talents.
How do we do make social change?
Showing up fully neurodivergent in a neurotypical space can lead to “uncomfortable thoughts” for others and exclusion. Showing up in the same space and fully “masked” to fit in creates hardship for the neurodivergent person and shuts off access to their gifts. I think that both sides need to start taking small risks in relationships that feel safe and start pushing at these boundaries. Maybe wearing something just a bit different from what the group expects and encouraging those who show up a bit different will help. The history of fashion demonstrates that social norms change over time. I think we need to be more deliberate about the way the norms are going. And at the same time more open to ideas we may have never had before.
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